30 January 2009

Just Be Real Already

A few weeks ago I wrote some posts about love that were totally emo. In reflection there was some good advice in there I should have taken.

When someone loves you, you can do no wrong. You see this every day when you see good girls with disgusting creeps. Or when you see really great guys smitten by girls who treat them like crap.

It's not just the world around me that proves this to be true, I know this from personal experience. We probably all have that story of the one with the flaws we just never noticed until it was too late. That boyfriend who chewed with his mouth open. The girl who stayed with the guy even though he lied and cheated and we all knew.

A friend of mine always said he could tell if it was love or just infatuation. Infatuation makes you completely unable to see the flaws. Love on the other hand sees the flaws and accepts them. When you love you are acknowledging the shortcomings and uniqueness of the object of your love. You love them more because of the imperfections, not in spite of them.

I'm not really sure how to apply this to myself. My desire to be better, to make myself attractive (someday), or to uphold my standards isn't going to go away because I have an infatuation. Or even a love. It just means that perhaps someday I'll find someone who really sees me for me. And when I see them for who they really are, it will only draw us closer.

So maybe I shouldn't beat myself up quite so much about those small things I'd rather change about myself. If I ever run across someone who loves me, they'll think I'm adorable anyway.

Well, it's just a theory.

Next time I'll try and write about dealing with the fall out that inevitably happens when you finally do see through to the real "them" and you realize they aren't cute any more.

23 January 2009

Things I'm Missing

It's pretty interesting the things I miss when I'm on the road.

This morning as I yanked myself to consciousness because of some crappy r&b station blaring out the alarm clock in my hotel room, it popped into my head how much I miss being serenaded awake by the strums of guitar or clicking of piano keys.

As is my nature, my mind immediately filled with all the other things I was currently missing. To jolt the synapses I ordered them:

  1. The shrill tempo of @jwalking singing "I am the greatest man who ever lived!" repeatedly. Saturday morning. Early.
  2. The way @debono constantly finds ways to share his hairy backside with the world.
  3. Coming home to realize @debono was cooking and it smells fantastic.
  4. Coming home to realize @jwalking was cooking and he burned something, then just made macaroni and cheese with ground beef. Unseasoned. Every day.
  5. My "why yes, it is the most comfortable place you've ever slept" bed.
  6. The way @itsmedrew would come over sweaty from the gym and wipe it all over my sheets.
  7. The way @jwalking would con anyone into going into whatever section of town he wanted so he could bum a ride to a random bar to hang with other people besides whomever gave him the ride.
  8. The blight on our wine, snack foods, and general wet blanket that is @jraq. A constant reminder that it is possible to be too cynical, too smart, and too good looking for your own good.
  9. Seeing @georgecostanza and @benthelollygoround out in public and realizing they are too cool for me to hanging out with. And yet they still gave me fist bumps and high-fives.
  10. @sir_dirtybird.
  11. Watching @mharp eye-shag another helpless victim. Then get bounced by a clueless and smashed @jwalking.
  12. @sarahofaces smiling face.
  13. Getting upwards of 30 tweets a day from @debono about weird food in Bangkok.
  14. Listening to @jwalking make sweet sweet ear-love to his guitar. In the other room. By himself.
  15. Coming home to find the dinner table being used for beer pong and I'm already 6 beers and 2 hours of drinking behind. And pouring a G&T to catch up.

If you've got any to add to the list, don't tell me. My hearts aching already.

19 January 2009

I Needed This

It's been a heck of a few days and the weeks and months ahead seem daunting right now.

Today I pulled out too quotes that have popped into my head during conversations with the special people in my life. They helped me process and give context to the fumbling quagmire that are my thoughts. I thought I'd share them with you.

The person who risks nothing, does nothing, has nothing, is nothing, and becomes nothing. He may avoid suffering and sorrow, but he simply cannot learn and feel and change and grow and love and live.
-- Leo F. Buscaglia

Not sure why I've been doing so much writing about love lately. Maybe because I've been feeling it in unexpected places and not feeling it so much in the expected ones?

Without involvement, there is no commitment. Mark it down, asterisk it, circle it, underline it.
No involvement, no commitment.
-- Stephen Covey

I've written a lot about being deliberate which is the close cousin to being committed. These days it seems really important to me to be clear about the things and people to which I've committed. And to be even more clear about the commitments I expect from others. When I won't commit, I try and make that clear. It's sad that I have to be the one to notice when someone isn't committing to me. Even worse when they think their infrequent words and carefully rationed time are sufficient.

Tenets like these help me keep things clear.

13 January 2009

Making Me...Better

Recently, a good friend made a comment that I found very interesting. She
told me to sit up straight. Don't slouch.

At first, like most people, I wanted to be defensive. After all I like me.
Well most of the time anyway. But seriously, who does that? Who points out
something so intrusive? So judgmental? Something so positively personal as

Then in a moment my sky cracked just a little. I realized what a blessing
it was to have the kind of friend that could say that me. That she was
comfortable enough to make a point out of something so trivial yet
important. I wanted more. I want people in my life who will challenge me.
Who will expect more and better, no matter how much better my better gets.

Like most people, I crave a better version of me. I want to improve and
have a fierce desperation for being the best me I can be. Which may not be
much, but like they say "Aim High" right? So why was my first reaction to
shy away from such clearly beneficial feedback? At what point did my walls
get so high? At no point do I ever want to be that person who isn't
coachable and teachable. That kid who can't take the criticism regardless
of the source and use it to for my own improvement.

From my lifetime of learning to learn I've come to intensely value feedback,
respect expectation setting, and covet communication. Especially when those
things are clear, direct, and actionable. In this situation, I had all those
things. It wasn't a reflection on her and my posture benefits her directly
not a whit, it was merely a helpful, caring comment meant for my edification
alone. If only I had more like that.

This past two weeks, I can't stop thinking about that moment of clarity when
my mouth stopped and my ears started. When for a brief moment my guard was
pierced with so few words. Sit up straight. Don't slouch.

03 January 2009

Love, Rules and Sacrifice

If it's really love, there are no rules. If there are rules, it isn't
really love.

It may be like or lust, desire, pleasure, enjoyment or ecstasy. But
those feelings that fulfill are only the results. They are symptoms
not the ailment, they are the effect and not the cause.

Love is a choice. A deliberate conscious releasing of one self to
another. You cannot have love without loss.

The act of loving, even your soulmate, the one who completes you,
requires a giving up some of yourself. A surrender of some of your
insides to make room for some of theirs. To allow your course to be
charted in some way by anothers.

Love without sacrifice is often sought and never caught. Sacrifice
without love is impossible. Even for yourself. You have to love
yourself if you want to change for only you. It's easy to change to
gain other things outside ourselves (relationships, jobs, etc.). We
love them so we sacrifice.

The concepts are simple. But they are daring and they call us to the
mat. Without their simplicity we cab hide behind ambiguous wants,
desires, and duplicity. We can get tangled up in choices and
conflicts. To find what someone loves follow their time, follow their
money, follow their talk.

We make any exception or convoluted course of logic to rationalize our
desires and longings. We never have to explain our loves. We agonize
and suffer for our wants and lusts but never think twice about
sacrificing for our loves.

I've been struggling with this myself. Things I've known for years
eluding me behind a shield of enjoyment and desire. In the end I have
to choose to love myself. With that I can see compromises and
conflicts more clearly. The shortfalls and sufferings stand out in
sharp relief when thrust into the light of my own self-respect.

Are you clear about your loves? Follow the lines in your life and cut
away the chaff. It's hard but necessary for growth. And growth is
necessary for happiness. And happiness will lead you to more love.