Someone comment today that I've been smiling "more" lately. And that this was a good thing.
Now I'm not really sure what that means, but I took it at face value as a positive thing. The comment made me self-conscious in the way that virtually any comments about me, to me, will do. In this case, the thread of thoughts wandered around wondering if I'm as even-keeled in my presentation as I think I am. Obviously not.
The random off-the-cuff remark today was hardly necessary to remind me that I'm not as good as keeping up appearances as I might think. No sir. Of my many failings in the "just keep smiling" department, I need no reminder. This is, I think, mostly by choice. It is probably just that my choice would be less erradically inclined were I following my intentions to the letter. You see, the conflict is between wearing my heart in the air. Being transparent. Living deliberately. My basic creeds and tenets, vows and convictions to be honest, clear, and open in all things. These fill my personal side of this ledger sheet. In the counter column resides my desire to protect, guard, sometimes to control. Even as I try and balance these conflicting goals, my short-comings in performance often choose my choices for me.
Why is it that even with practice and determination, my deliberation is so incomplete? Why would being caught with guard down hold such a negative connotation for someone yearning desperately for transparency?
I want to be real. I know that I am not. Getting caught being real should be a good thing.