This post is the text of an email I received from my friend Cory. I laughed so hard I just about fell out of my chair. Then I knew I had to share this with the world.
I'm all alone in Krakow right now at a 24 hour internet place. The following is a true story, Dan Brown style...
Cory was cold, tired, and hungry. All he wanted to do was take a nap on the train to krakow. Two trashy europeans entered his cabin. Dang, he thought. He still tried to close his eyes, but they were snickering in some unknown slovic language at their cellphone. Finally after several long attempts, he managed to fall asleep.
The two trashy europeans were eyeing the sleeping boy. One had a beautiful faux-hawk, he looked like a majestic peacock, ready to court his female prey. Except this prey wasnt female. The peakok and his companion were laughing at incoming text messages, while drinking a beer and smoking cigarettes on the train. The peacock was making jokes of what he could do to the sleeping boy.
Cory suddendly awoke from a nightmare. He looked around glad not to actually be facing a 7-10 split in hell bowling with the devil. He looked over at the two odd looking young men and saw they were drinking beer. A beer, Cory thought, now THATS what I need. He pointed at the beers and asked where he could get one on the train. "swolfihjsafjksafh" the peacock responded "i see" Cory said. Soon after that the peacock offered him his own beer. Cory reluctantly accepted, glad to finally meet some friends. "afhkhksad kshs khskdhf" said the other man "excuse me?" asked Cory.
"lsadfljdsaslfjl resturant?" as he pointed at the both of them. Cory believed he was asking them if they wanted to go to dinner. He was very excited, and was glad to have some people to eat with when they got to Krakow. "yes!" he nodded.
The two europeans were extreamly happy that they had trapped thier prey, and the stupid American was oblivious.
Just as the train arrived, Cory was ready to get out. FINALLY, he thought. It was just then when he realized dinner tonight might not be the best idea. He looked down at the europeans cell phone and got a glimpse of his wallpaper. It was a young teenage boy with his shirt off. Then he spoke to Cory. "lshdfh dksfd?" and gave him a cute little tap on the head. "Yes." Cory nodded. Realizing that was a tremendous mistake, not knowing what he was agreeing to. Uh-oh, he thought. The european was crushing Cory, and crushing him hard. The hunger combined with the fatigue but a thick curtain over his gay-dar. Cory had to do something. And fast. It was too late.
The peacock knew he had Cory exactly where he wanted him. And if he played his cards right, promiscuous sex was right around the corner. All he had to do now was convince him to stay in an appartment with and buy him a couple drinks.
Cory tried to leave the train without the two men, but they escorted him out, one in front, one behind. Not good, Cory thought. As everybody left the train, a barrage of hostel advertisers rushed the scene. This could be my chance, Cory thought. The two europeans apparently didn't have a place to stay, and Cory did. At the Dizzy Dazy hostel.
The two europeans had to act quick. "lets find a small apartment for us and the boytoy." the peacock said in czech. "good idea. then we will screw his brains out after he blacks out." said the other weird looking male. They both had a good laugh.
All three men were standing around a travel agent. Cory was trying to make a move. Finially, he broke free for a moment, and asked another agent the directions to the Dizzy Dazy hostel. He wrote them down as clearly as he could. This would need to be a clean getaway, Cory thought. Cory joined the peacock and the strange looking man as they talked to a travel agent. "You know," she said to Cory "they are trying to find a room with you in it." Corys stomach turned upside down. Am I dreaming? Cory thought. "No, tell them I already have a place booked and everything. Please." Said Cory to the agent with full eye contact and raised eyebrows, trying to emphasize his point. She spoke to the young men in Czech, and they seemed to understand. This is my chance, Cory thought. He could see the exit. It was now or never. Cory lunged for the exit, turning back just once to say goodbye. "Bye!" Cory said. "Bye..." Said the peacock, in a morose tone, like a puppydog who just lost his bone. Cory knew he was free! He had his directons in his hand and stepped outside. Three steps later, he was completely lost.
The two sex-fiended horndogs had been deceived. This was unlikely, for they were pros. "How did he get away so easily!?" snarled the peacock. "It's, it's, his charm, and his dimples, he was just, so, attractive and perfect." responded the funny looking dork. "I know, he's like a unicorn, so beautiful, but untouchable.", longed the peacock. The peacock had never let a target go before, and he wasn't about to. Although Cory thought he was free, the peacock lifted his nose to the air and let in a giant wiff of Polish air. This way he said, the boytoy's this way.
Cory wandered in a small spiral, wearing two backpacks and holding a different Krakow map in each hand. This looks great, he thought. As he realized he was still right in front of the train station, it popped in his head that he was in danger. Just at that moment, he glanced over behind the glass in the station and saw the two boys. Arghh!!!!!!!!!! Cory thought. They were looking right at him. It's all over, Cory said to himself. This is how it's going to end. Cory looked up at the sky and saw a dove fly overhead, chased by two hawks. Perfect, he thought. He closed his eyes, ready for the worst. Darkness.
"Excuse me!" Am I dead? Cory thought. Then he heard it again. "Excuse me? You look lost, can I help you find where you're going?" Cory opened his beautiful blue eyes, they were like an endless caribbean sea. He looked over and saw a lady walking towards him. "Which hostel are you staying at?" Asked the lady. "The Dizzy Dazy, can you help me?" Cory quickly responded. "Yes! I work there, I can walk you there." Said the angel. Cory was the mormon, the boys were the locust, she was the seagulls. Cory was princess leah, the boys were jabba the hut, the lady was lucas skywalker. His savier. The one. Cory wasn't going to be a victim of leather bondage and S&M after all. Oh yeah, he thought. As he began to follow the lady, he looked back, apparently they hadn't seen him after all, as they were still standing behind the glass.
After all, the europeans with their swolen members were actually just staring off into blank space. They couldn't believe they had lost the most beautiful boy of their dreams. "We were so close" muttered the ugly one "Too close, let's go have sex, you're pretty" said the beautiful peacock as he smiled "Proseem." replied the moron.
Cory finially reached the Dizzy Dazy hostel after all. The lady at the reception ask him if he was alright. Apparently had had been sweating more than he thought. It had been a stressfull day after all. He went to go take a shower and realized he had forgotten his towel (for the second time this trip) at his last hostel. Ugh, he thought. He was hungry and left for a bite to eat at the town square. He ate half his pizza, got it boxed up, and found the closest internet cafe to tell the tale.
I'M SCARED IN KRAKOW!!!!!!!!
This post was an email from Cory and all spelling errors, omissions, liable, copyright or trademark infringements, bad words, inappropriate phrasing or subject matter are probably intentional, humorous, and all his fault. Hope you had a chuckle.