Who Loves You More

Being generous and turning the other cheek is always hard for anyone. You can be as zen or taoist or Christ-like or [insert your model for unselfish behavior here] and it still hurts to watch the world keep revolving when some shock or loss keeps your mind standing still.

Maybe it's that I haven't yet reached that limit of loss. Perhaps there is some floor you have to hit, some threshold where numbness envelops and stillness settles you to its chest. I feel I've been there before and it isn't the lack pain I'm longing. Pain is living, another breath is another moment I shouldn't waste. No, I the return to normalcy is my hearts need. That infusion of passion from facing the future and feeling free, no foundering or fragility.

I know where my confidence should be. I just can't push through. There is to much Me in me today.

I can't wait for this to end
And leave tonight behind us
I'm unsettled letting go of you
And sleeping the night in silence

This letdown falls along with me
Onto my bed while rolling over
So break my heart or break my fall
Don't kiss him or cover all
The memories you had of me

The last time I saw you
You were standing by his side
The last time you saw me
Was through your closed eyes
As I'm waiting by the phone

He loves you
Who loves you more?
To let you go

He loves you
Who loves you more?
To let you go

I can't wait until my heart mends
So I can finally go outside
And I tell myself, "Well Ken
It's better to have lost love
Than to paint a smile and pretend."

The last time I saw you
You were standing by his side
The last time you saw me
Was through your closed eyes as I'm waiting by the phone

He loves you
Who loves you more?
To let you go

He loves you
Who loves you more?
To let you go

The last time I saw you
You were standing by his side
The last time you saw me
Was in a crumpled photograph that missed the bin

He loves you
Who loves you more?
To let you go

-- Decisions, Decisions from A Goodnight's Sleep by The Starting Line

It's always good to be reminded that I'm not the only one that feels this way from time to time. Especially in a song that's personalized for me.

The Sweetest 20 Percent

This past week I've been able to catch up with some friends I haven't seen for a while. It started me thinking about what makes my real life-long friends so fantastic. And why I can't seem to get past the starting blocks with new friends in my ever expanding social circle. Then I remembered a conversation I'd had long ago about the 80/20 rule.

In summary, the 80/20 rule as it applies to relationships is that you spend eighty percent of the time doing normal, every day, won't-blow-your-kilt-up stuff, and twenty percent having important, intimate, life-changing experiences. With most relationships you will never get to the sweetest twenty without investing all the basic and normal eighty.

In my own life, I have some really good eighty percent friends. We don't have much pretense, it is about realism, trust, and relaxation. The more real we are, the more we trust, the more we relax. Everyone needs people like that in their life. The people you don't mind seeing you before you've got make-up on; who you never call for bail money, because they're sitting in the cell next to you. In friend terms, these are keepers. You find these in the romance department, just not as often as everyone would like.

The reason this gets interesting for romance is that we have a tendency to sample these experiences in random orders that can leave you drained and devoid of any lasting connection. For example, that drunken hook-up that finally made it clear to you why they call it wild-monkey-sex; the office mate you've been flirting up for weeks and finally find yourself shoulder to shoulder with in the supply closet.

[after surviving the bus explosion]
Annie: You're not going to get mushy on me, are you?
Jack: Maybe. I might.
Annie: I hope not, 'cause you know, relationships that start under intense circumstances, they never last.
Jack: Oh yeah?
Annie: Yeah, I've done extensive study on this.

[the last lines in the movie]
Jack: I have to warn you, I've heard relationships based on intense experiences never work.
Annie: OK. We'll have to base it on sex then.
Jack: Whatever you say, ma'am.

-- from the movie Speed

It is pretty common for us to get a taste of the sweet 20 upfront and assume it will be the norm for the remainder of the relationship. It isn't until we've invested significantly more time that we realize we already milked the best out of it and what we are left with is more like orange juice after toothpaste.

Like a cake, or maybe a fine wine, any relationship will have different flavors as it bakes (or ages). This isn't just normal, it's the point. Only expect a relationship to stay the same when the two parties involved aren't growing either. In this world, it is pretty hard to stop growing. Life has a tendency to drag you kicking and screaming into potty-training, sleeping in a big-boy bed, and pajamas with no feet whether you like it or not. So it helps to not just accommodate the changes, but expect and maybe even embrace it a little. You never know, you just might get a little taste of the sweetness if you take the time to savor.

Who They Will Become

One of my friends was recently married. I had the honor and pleasure of watching him go from single and swinging to affianced and adoring, to married and mushy. It was awesome and beautiful and inspiring and…you get the picture.

Someone very close to me is has recently moved slowly past the dating into the engagement and is methodically preparing for the marriage thing. Again, there are fewer more precious things to watch than someone in love doing "in love" kinds of things.

Now I find out another person close to me is jumping into the same circus. No shower before the pool, clothes and all, just one quick look and then Splash! She's moving quick but seems no less sure than either of the other two. The only difference is the relationship velocity. Sort of…

You see, the other big difference between these three is their ages. The more mature they each were, the slower, the more precise, the more aware they were of surroundings, repercussions and implications.

The first one was older and the whole thing took longer; it was way more deliberate. Each step from she's cool, to she's the one, to I'm doing this, to we're really doing this, to it's done, was a shift. You could see the attitudinal change, the wheels turning, the conscious choices being made, and the glow of satisfaction that comes from the deliberate pursuit of love. It honestly humbled me.

The middle one wasn't so old, but not so young. The whole thing moves along a bit at a time, passion leading to thinking, thinking leading to passion. From phase to phase, more and more thought and effort is applied. It becomes more and more real, and you can see the personal investments increasing to that point where you can't separate the two lives anymore.

The youngster has no idea what's in store. It's all roses and blushing. Everything is a problem we'll figure out later because love conquers all and we love each other. Which is not to say it won't, they won't, or they don't. It's just at the speed they are moving their it's hard to see how they each individual operate. Which is tied to their youth. Neither has enough history and personal experience to know who they are individually, which makes it really hard to understand what they'll be like together. Of course, maybe who they are together is all that matters.

What I find so interesting about this particular reflection isn't the difference that age brings to our relationship velocity. It is the difference that maturity makes in our individual personas. When you marry, you aren't marrying the person you think they ARE, you are marrying the person you think they WILL BECOME. When you have so little insight into the person they really are currently, how well can you really understand the person they will evolve into later? Because they will evolve. And so will you.

The pressure of time, our culture and both your choices will act on you both. Like it or not, you will grow. You will change. And unlike the stock market, with people, most of the time past performance is a measure of future performance. If you are going to invest, get as much of that diverse past performance as you can so you can invest wisely.

Cold Water

When you've been through a divorce and come out the other side, if such a thing can even be said, how do you handle the questions from others about marriage?

The other day at lunch one of my friends who is happily married was discussing the upcoming family holiday in which he would be spending time with relatives. I will never forget his illustration about marriage. He said that marriage is like being in a cold pool and pretending the water is fine so that you can watch your friends jump in and see the look on their faces. I'm not saying he's right, but I understand.

There goes somebody's miracle
Walking down the street
There goes some other fairy tale
I wish it could happen to me

But I look at myself Wonderin' if i'm just too weak
To have such faith in myself

-- Somebody's Miracle by Liz Phair

A few nights ago, a young person and I were discussing his future relationship milestones over some cocktails. His questions were innocent enough and I was happy to answer, but I struggled with providing an objective view without being too objective (if you know what I mean). How can you give a clear picture when you know that whatever you say is going to be skewed because of the taint you have surrounding you? Do you just punt? Decline? Provide a list of caveats and clauses?

Ultimately, I just want my friends to be happy. And for many of them a marriage is the best way to find that and I encourage them towards that end. When you know they aren't ready for it, how do you communicate that without it being wrapped up in your own perceived issues with marriage? In my heart, I don't really think I have issues with marriage as a concept. Poor choices, and a negative experience by one should not reflect on the whole and I'm usually pretty good at separating them. But there is nothing to say that the person listening realizes I am capable of speaking fairly. They don't always know that I truly have their best interests at heart and when I give input it is using my perception of their value system and preferences. My own tastes don't really factor into the discussion.

Just to be clear, I don't subscribe to the rest of that Liz Phair song. I just like miracles.