Though I Wonder Sometimes

Every now and again, I find myself in need of a clear reminder. My desperate need as a human to make a connection with other humans. I avoid it sometimes, lash out at it other times, find distractions from it regularly. Intellectually, I know it is better if I make the connections, rather than waiting for the connections to make me.

But I don't have to like it…

I am a man on a mission
I have tunnel vision
Just 'cause I'm not talking
Don't mean that I'm not listening
You can say I suffer from a lifelong condition
You know I love you baby
But try to understand I am a man

I am a man of passion
Maybe it's magic, maybe it's a chemical reaction
All I know is you walk in the room
There's a fire deep inside me
And it's burning just for you
You know I want you baby
Try to understand
I am a man

I'm right, I'm wrong
I'm weak, I'm strong
And I'm all points in between
I don't say much
But when we touch
You know just what I mean

I'm a man of conviction
I do believe in God
But I wrestle with the devils of addiction
Sometimes I lie awake at night
Pray that you'll turn over
Wrap your arms around me tight
Put my head on your shoulder
You know I need you baby
Try to understand
I am a man

-- I Am A Man by Lonestar from the album Coming Home

And yes, sometimes the easiest way to express myself, especially when it's 4am is to use other people lyrics. So piss off Cory.

Placing Your Bets

What seems like ages ago in the late 90's I started building up my digital music collection and because of my close ties with Microsoft naturally I chose Windows Media Audio as the format I would support. Who knew?

Who knew that Microsoft would do such a piss-poor job of supporting digital technology? Who knew they'd see massive churn in their hardware expertise and completely screw-up their entrée into the music player market? Who knew they'd talk so freakin' long to make even token progress in car audio, phone audio, and personal devices? More's the sucker I.

Now I find myself with a library of more than 100,000 songs and the vast majority from online retailers who supported WMA. But I can't put the audio where I want it any more. I doesn't play well with my Nano, it won't play well in the car, it's a pain to work with on my phones. In short, I'm through suffering to support a format that has been so hideously mishandled.

So know I've been struggling with the easy way to convert ten thousand albums into MP3 format without losing the substantial investment I've made in ratings, album covers, categorization, and data clean-up. I'm notoriously picky about data, and my music collection is one of those places it shows the most. But seriously, convert 100K songs automatically with back-up and verification?

First off, I went a-hunting. I tried tool after tool, widget after widget, and spent some decent coin trying out even the more high-end utilities and packages. Generally speaking, they all are fine for the little guys, but when you are talking THOUSANDS of albums, they stop being useful.

So naturally, my engineering spirit erupted in full bloom and I've had to create several utilities to manage and control this process. Hundreds of hours later, I'm still not finished with the conversion process even though it is largely automatic with only a minimal set of smooth (to my mind) human verification steps.

The moral I learned from this adventure is to place your technology bets wisely. Had I given up after the first ASF debacle I would only have 40 or 50 gigabytes of music to manage instead of 600 GB of digital audio that needs to be handled with care.

Who Loves You More

Being generous and turning the other cheek is always hard for anyone. You can be as zen or taoist or Christ-like or [insert your model for unselfish behavior here] and it still hurts to watch the world keep revolving when some shock or loss keeps your mind standing still.

Maybe it's that I haven't yet reached that limit of loss. Perhaps there is some floor you have to hit, some threshold where numbness envelops and stillness settles you to its chest. I feel I've been there before and it isn't the lack pain I'm longing. Pain is living, another breath is another moment I shouldn't waste. No, I the return to normalcy is my hearts need. That infusion of passion from facing the future and feeling free, no foundering or fragility.

I know where my confidence should be. I just can't push through. There is to much Me in me today.

I can't wait for this to end
And leave tonight behind us
I'm unsettled letting go of you
And sleeping the night in silence

This letdown falls along with me
Onto my bed while rolling over
So break my heart or break my fall
Don't kiss him or cover all
The memories you had of me

The last time I saw you
You were standing by his side
The last time you saw me
Was through your closed eyes
As I'm waiting by the phone

He loves you
Who loves you more?
To let you go

He loves you
Who loves you more?
To let you go

I can't wait until my heart mends
So I can finally go outside
And I tell myself, "Well Ken
It's better to have lost love
Than to paint a smile and pretend."

The last time I saw you
You were standing by his side
The last time you saw me
Was through your closed eyes as I'm waiting by the phone

He loves you
Who loves you more?
To let you go

He loves you
Who loves you more?
To let you go

The last time I saw you
You were standing by his side
The last time you saw me
Was in a crumpled photograph that missed the bin

He loves you
Who loves you more?
To let you go

-- Decisions, Decisions from A Goodnight's Sleep by The Starting Line

It's always good to be reminded that I'm not the only one that feels this way from time to time. Especially in a song that's personalized for me.

Stuck In Sanity

These past few days I've been taking some time to reflect and recreate, visit with family, and generally unwind.

As I was working through some quiet time about where I should put my energy in this coming year, I realized how frequently I fail to find directions and clarity from my compatriots. I'm not so fiercely independent, decisive, arrogant, or self-centered (although these are my core attributes) as to not seek out their input. On the contrary, I relentlessly pursue the knowledge of others to better myself.

Can you answer me?
No more time for questioning
My car's outside I want to leave
Don't you think I'm interesting
Well, I'm listening.

Everything's obvious
The way you put your hand on me
The way you talk so easily
The way your lips are glistening
Well, I'm listening.

You get around, You want me
You come around, You need me
This time around, I won't be back at all

Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity
And I don't mean if things don't go my way
I'll be pleased to meet you

And maybe yesterday was a day that I could get away
Now today I'm stuck in sanity
And I'm pleased to meet you

Right now I think I'm sane,
But I'm really just anxious
To cross that bridge, the subconscious oasis
Where right is right, and wrong is wrong
And you weren't there to build me up

You get around, You want me
You come around, You need me
This time around, I won't be back at all

Maybe misery is what I need to keep my sanity
And I don't mean if things don't go my way
I'll be pleased to meet you (pleased to meet you)

And maybe yesterday was a day that I could get away
Now today I'm stuck in sanity
And I've seen it all, I've seen it all
Many times before

-- Maybe Misery from When All That's Left Is You by Quietdrive

I guess when it comes down to it you can ask questions and then you can listen. If you are just waiting to talk you'll probably miss what's important. If you give up and stop listening, you'll never hear the answers you'd like. If you think you know the answers, then just stop talking already.

Why can't I ever just leave those conversations?

Strong Enough To Be Weak

Do you ever have one of those weeks?

I'm having one of those weeks. No matter how good my intentions, no matter how true my heart, it feels like the world is just set against me. This is not how I want to feel. Being at odds with those around me is not where I want to live. If I've given my heart to Him, why am I holding on to it so tightly? If I'm not living for myself, why am I so invested in MY life?

I wanna set the world on fire
Until it's burning bright for You
It's everything that I desire
Can I be the one You use?

I, I am small but
You, You are big enough
I, I am weak but
You, You are strong enough to
Take my dreams
Come and give them wings
Lord with You
There's nothing I can not do
Nothing I cannot do

I wanna feed the hungry children
And reach across the farthest land
And tell the broken there is healing
And mercy in the Father's hands

My hands my feet
My everything
My life, my love
Lord, use me

I wanna set the world on fire
I wanna set the world on fire, yeah

I'm gonna set the world on fire
Set the world on fire

-- Set The World On Fire by Britt Nicole

I first heard this song driving through the German countryside. The mountains were enormous and the low clouds were so picturesque. The song had been on my iPod for quite some time and when it came up in the playlist, I was looking down on this little Bavarian town and thinking how peaceful and isolated it looked. This little old lady was sweeping her porch and I remember thinking, "I wonder how much the world intrudes here." It was a fantastically closed-minded thing to think, I wasn't really serious. She probably gets better bandwidth than I do, volunteers at an Aids clinic, sponsors Ethiopian children, and organizes Free Tibet rallies in her spare time. But at that moment, I think I was projecting my desire to set down my arrogantly self-proclaimed drive to Save The World. Just for a moment to pretend I didn't care. That I could shut myself away in a little town in the high mountains where keeping my porch clean and gossiping about the neighbors is the stressful part of my day. And then, just as is His nature, this song plays through my headphones, precisely speaking the encouragement I needed. Pulling me back to my Calling, my friends, my life.

I've been playing this song every morning as I brush my teeth, at the beginning of every mile I run, and after every quiet time of every day since that morning in Germany.

My smile reaches to my eyes now. Thanks Britt.

Punjabi Music

This past week has just flown by. I've been working hard and there is lots to do. During the frenzy I did get a chance to listen to some cool Punjabi dance mixes. Which are not to be confused with Hindi mixes.

I have tremendous respect for people who will just up and dance at the drop of a hat. Can't we all just dance together?

Last.fm

In researching a new online project, I came across last.fm and was pretty impressed with their service approach.  They have an interesting idea, have executed it well and seem to be keeping their focus on the customer. Check it out!

You can find my profile at http://www.last.fm/user/tempusfugate/ if you want to add me as a friend.

Yahoo Music Hiking Prices

Mountain Man is considering dumping Yahoo Music because of the impeding price hike. What do you think he should do? Keep in mind he needs WMA support, so an I-Pod only solution isn't really helpful.

Barlowgirl

Every now and then I come across a great band that for whatever reason, I just didn't hear about.  The most likely cause is my own self-absorption.  Excluding that, I'm willing to blame my friend Scot whose musical elitism knows few rivals. Well, actually Neal's the king there, but since I hang out with Scot more it's a fair bet he's been rubbing off on me.  (Not like that, sicko!)

Anyway, I listened to Barlowgirl's new release Another Journal Entry and there was some good stuff on it.  When I went back and listened to their previous release, Barlowgirl,  I was hooked.  Don't know how I missed 'em last year, but they have my attention now.

The Click Five

I just listened to an advance copy of the upcoming album from newcomers The Click Five. Actually a good friend of mine is in tight with the band and gave me the skinny on these talented Bostonians. To be fair, I've been promoting Just the Girl for a while having bought the single quite some time ago. But since getting a chance to listen to the rest of the soon-to-be-released album, I must say...these guys are going to make a mint! It's obvious teen-pop but it's really solid. They deliver several of the kinds of memorable anthem choruses you can't forget even if you try. Along the way, they show a talent for the use of the singable lyrics and other musical gimicks, smoothly polished bridges, and some truly outstanding production quality. After hearing a first-hand account on the caliber of musicians these guys are, it would be easy to assume they would have been turned into musical elitists. Evidently they prefer instead to simply sell a gazillion albums using proven formulas and unbelievably catchy melodies. Of course the fact that they've been working with some of the best in the business might have helped them stand-up through production. When the album hits stores you should definitely give them a listen. Except you Neal and Scot. They wouldn't make your cut, and I don't need another lecture... ;-)

Brave Saint Saturn

The latest album from little known Brave Saint Saturn entitled The Light of Things Hoped For is very, very good.

Every now and then I just come across a few melodies, rhythms, or lyrics which I find really moving and exceptional. Its rare to find them all together. Gloria, for example, is a fabulous concoction of tasty elements that fill many of the reasons why I listen to music. Their changing style will appeal to a whole variety of musical palates. As always, I encourage you to buy the album. Or at least check it out online, then buy it once you've succumbed to the haunting charms.

Stellar Kart

Just got done listening to a great new album that I really enjoyed. The group is Stellar Kart and the album is All Gas. No Brake. With obvious influences by New Found Glory, Relient K, and Blink-182 they are sure to please anyone longing for the good old days when songs like Sadie Hawkins and Hit or Miss made us lose our cool dancing like crazy. If you try it you'll like it. Obvious exceptions being the TC's (read: people who are just Too Cool) like Eric in L.A. and Scot and Neal in Seattle. They're too elite to fall for such smoothly produced, obvious ear-candy that is the staple of the unwashed masses eager to simply sing and dance with glee. Aside from the notable TC's, these guys are garnering fans and rising on the charts quickly. Check 'em out!

Hitch...Gotta love it!

The new movie Hitch with Will Smith and Kevin James is really funny. Highly recommended.