Go Right Ahead

Go Right Ahead

There are lots of reasons to be mad at me. I deserve to be snapped at
for lots of things.

But I don't get the point of being mad at me for honesty. Sure I
understand discretion. And some assumption of privacy.

But if you are the one who lied, you don't get to yell at me for
telling the truth. Period.

Changing. Again.

My friends always make me change. Selfish bastards.

Alone in my room, I was writing some code on the Mac Mini (working on an iPhone app), and in walks @kylemck. He says, "I never thought I'd see the day that you were using OSX." A sentiment I shared with him until only very recently. I still hate it and think working on a Mac is like being back in 5th grade using a Commodore 128.

Driving to the airport with @jwalking we started singing the lyrics to "I Will Follow You Into The Dark". At one point last year, he said "I wouldn't take you to see Death Cab. I'd rather take someone who likes the music instead of someone I know actively hates the band I'm going to see." He's kind of jerk sometimes, but he means well and he did seduce me with that silver tongue of Bens. I saw them in concert in December and loved it.

The thing that makes some of my friends so influential to me is that I respect both our differences and our shared values. You can't keep appreciating their values and decision-making without being impacted by them. Even things I resolutely disagreed with, I begin to understand. And that's the first chink in the armor.

I still have my own opinions and think their taste in music and movies is horrid and immature. But I've been immersed in it for so long my tolerance has built up. And from time to time I manage to grow a little and change my perspective on something.

I'll close now because my phone is blowing up with all the tweets.

The Art of Hurling

Sometimes the world doesn't make sense. For me, the world often doesn't make sense. I might want it to, I might need it to, that doesn't mean it will.

The most interesting part for me of watching other people react and interact is how inconsistent and conflicting their interpretation of events can be. Like when witnesses are questioned at a bank robbery and 3 different people swear to 3 different descriptions of the robber. Or perhaps the story of the 3 blind men and the elephant is more suitable here.

We interpret our world through these filters that we don't even realize are there. Like smells we can't experience anymore because we are immersed in it every day. Or that obnoxious phone ringer that you've become so accustomed to it doesn't scare the bejangles out of you any more. When we wallow in patterns and habits of experience we lose the sensitivity we need to savor the world around us.

"When I was hurling my body onto yours, you did not seem to want to be with me."
-- Ginnifer Goodwin as Gigi in He's Just Not That Into You

Why doesn't anyone hurl their body any more? In the movies we see it, but we know the movies aren't real. So therefore we can't possibly do that. We are tentative and reliable. We don't go after what we want, we wait for it to show up.

When we do come across that person with the ambition, or desperation, or sheer unmitigated desire who hurls themselves at us, how do we handle it? Duck? Run? Push?

I don't know about you, but I want more hurling in my life. More bouncing, more flouncing, more Boom Crash Opera, and definitely more "yummy".

No More Tries

From time to time, I lose my words. Usually it is those things which I don't want to face head-on. Whatever the reason, at those times I find myself leaning on the words of others. Kendall Payne is one such poet whose well I retreat to from time to time.

So much deeper than the oceans is the heart of man
So much higher than the mountains
Are the things that I don't understand
Like why I'm crying over someone who will never give a damn

We have boarded up the basement for the storm has found its prey
I have bottled my emotions and saved them for a rainy day
Now I'll drink the bitter poison of a love that’s been delayed

Since you've been gone, I can't fight it I can't fight it
I've tried for too long I can't hide it I can't hide it anymore

This has called for desperate measures
We have left our pride behind
We are aging with the hours of this superficial life
And I refuse to be a failure, I have to give it one more try

But I doubt that you are listening and I doubt that you are moved
I have doubted every step along this long and darkened journey
But I have never doubted you
Now the longing has awoken and I don't know what to do

-- One More Try from Paper Skin by Kendall Payne

It's okay to be overwhelmed. Wanting to give up is natural. And for some things, you do need to let them go. Stop trying. Let them fade.

Just don't give up on the big stuff. Like life and living. You always have to keep living. And breathing is usually a good idea also. Unless it's really smoggy out.

The Ledge Behind

Perhaps it was the clarity of a weekend both devoid and overflowing with intimacy but my subconscious mind wouldn't let me skip over this post. It's wildly emo which emulates my on-edge mind smoothly. It's called The Ledge Behind and I wrote the draft some time ago. I was finally able (or should I say forced) to polish it now that I finally understand what I was trying to say.

It's a clear morning but my eyes are hungry
there is only fog before me
White knuckles normal on this ledge of life as
freedom finds me in your name
No more the mediocrity or
mellow morass is my mundane
I evict the everyday and
shatter the status quo with a step
Absurd and extra ordinary
no limiting lines will hold me now
Your quiet Yes resolves me
quicks my blood
and binds my fate to the fantastical
At long last I leap and leave this lonely ledge
No lust or simple longing moving me
It was your want of me that
countenanced my confidence
Your whispered words wove wings that
force my fall to flight